For some reason, I believed that having another child would dilute my anxiety for Bup’s well being. I thought a second child would force me to relax a little, and by extension I would be a better mother to both.
It turns out that anxiety, like love, can expand and grow with the addition of a new baby.
Instead of relaxing, I find I can torture myself late at night with thoughts of losing Bear to his cancer and bring alone with two boys. Or a gunman taking out Bup’s school. Or SIDS taking this new light out of our lives.
It doesn’t take long in the dark for these dark thoughts to occupy me, because why shouldn’t those things happen to us. If anything, cancer and infertility teaches us that shit happens to anyone. Nobody is immune to tragedy. Why should we get to have every good thing we’ve ever wanted?
In the morning I will remember that the world is mostly good. That for now, my husband and boys are healthy and happy. And that and the sun will be good enough to beat back the fear for awhile.


3 thoughts on “Fear

  1. randomsqueaks

    I remember similar feelings those first few weeks. When the sun was down, the babies were screaming and life would never be fun again. It didn’t help that they were born when the nights are longest. But when the sun came up, the babies still screamed but maybe we had a chance at enjoying life. It must be a hormone thing to be so anxious when it’s nighttime. I’m over it now and I hope you get through it soon too.

  2. lostinla74

    This is all a phase, it will pass! With my second set of IVF twins the postpartum anxiety/depression was way worse. Not sure if it’s because I was older, they spent 3 months in the hospital due to prematurity, I was not able to get as much rest (I now had 2 toddlers and 2 newborns), or just all the hormones that my body was dealing with. In the end I started to feel way better at about 5 months in which would be 2 months if they were fullterm. Be patient with your body and mind, it’s been through a lot!


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