Time is whipping past. I knew it would so I’m really trying to soak up this sweet cuddly time.
I am back at work part time for a few weeks before I’m at full time again. So far I’m managing to only work my 20 hours but I can tell my staff want to be able to get things back to normal. I, on the other hand, would love to only work part time from now on. Sadly, not possible, but I can dream.
Baby B is adorable and fat as butter. He is smiling a lot now-mostly at me and Bear but if one of the neighborhood kids pays enough attention to him, he will smile then too. We’ve been reading more and he loves Hooray for Fish for the bright colors and broad outlines. He’s much more interested in mobiles now but not so into toys yet.
I’m really loving that it is FINALLY warming up so we can get outside. I went for a walk/ run with my old running partner yesterday for the first time in almost a year. We walked 1.5 and ran a half mile and I felt like I would die! I guess my body needs some time to get back in the swing of things.
In other news Bup is growing like a weed and like me is ready for summer. Hope all if you are having a happy May so far! I know I don’t post as often but I am thinking about those of you heading into new treatments or finally expecting your own little ones.
Eesh! It is scheduled! My follicles are FINALLY where they should be (I only had to purchase 5 or 6 extra meds doses to get there.) We trigger tomorrow night at 10 and have egg retrieval on Saturday morning. Friday night, I need to have my last food or water by 10 p.m. In the morning, I wake up, shower, forgo anything scented-so no lotion, deodorant, make-up etc. And head to the clinic for the retrieval (which the Bear keeps calling my extraction.)
Dr. G seems to think we will want to do a 3 day transfer since I will have so few eggs-he is guessing maybe five at the moment. I have read both good and bad on going with either a three or a five day transfer so I will trust his judgement.
My Bup has broken my heart wide open a few times on this trip. He’s fascinated by the shots and wants to watch each time. He always makes an ouch face and asks if it hurts. The other night, he said, “I wish you could make a baby the regular way…wait, what’s the regular way again?” I tried not to laugh while I reminded him about the sperm and egg. We are brief and vague so far. Later that night we were talking about girls and boys in his class he likes. He told me, “Cael loves Zoe and Zoe loves Cael.” I asked if he had any girls he loved, and he wrinkled his nose and said “I love you”. I laughed and asked if he loved any little girls. That was when he said, “Well, if we have a baby and it’s a girl, I will love her. I will even let her play with my old baby toys if she wants to.” Crack, shatter, break my heart.
Today during our consult as Dr. G is talking about next steps, Bup sidles up next to me to whisper, “Mom, is it going to work? Is that what he said?” I really want to be able to shout it-“Yes, of course it will work! We have done everything we could, and now the universe will reward us with our heart’s desire.” Maybe that is what I should shout. In my own head at least. Come on, universe. Get it together.
Went today for the check in with the doctor and I only have 4 TINY follicles growing. Dr. Gaytan said, “Well, we knew this, yes? You had a high FSH?” Ugh. No. We didn’t know this. Okay, not true. I knew. I just didn’t believe it would be a problem. I was perfectly content with our babymaking troubles being the fault of cancer and chemo, and perfectly content to ignore that high FSH. 12 for those of you wondering. So, for 3 months, I have sucked down COQ10, L-Arginine, Fish Oil, Prenatals, Royal Jelly, and Maca Root. I went to yoga and acupuncture and told myself that number wouldn’t REALLY matter. I know I ovulate, I feel it each month. I get positive OPKs. I respond strongly to Clomid. But apparently not so strongly to Gonal-F and Merapur.
I’m feeling heartily discouraged. I tried not to cry on the bus and attempted to cheer myself up with a pedicure, but no dice. It’s day five, I’ve had 4 doses of meds, and I feel like it is over before it’s begun.
I need to shake this funk.
My IVF blogging friend Gypsy Mama sparked a thought for me today (this is what I love about this blogging community!) She was talking about a friend wishing her to believe that she will have the children she is meant to have. Isn’t that a lovely thought?
One of the things I struggle with as the mom of a singleton, is making sure I remember to be his mom first, and hope for an addition to our family second. I want another baby for so many reasons; because I love kids and always have wanted a big family, because I am the oldest of four and love my brothers, because I have completely insane parents sometimes (Hi, mom!) and need someone who knows what I am talking about–and I want that for my Bup too because lord knows I have inherited some of the crazy, because I love my son more than I knew I could love someone and watching him grow up into this whole person is one of the most ridiculously wonderful things in my life and I greedily want more of that, because my love for my Bear is partially wrapped up in what a great dad he is and I think our kids (current and future) are so lucky to have him, because all of my love and anxiety and hopes and fears are tied up in one little boy-and I think that’s a lot of pressure for one kid.
But, I know it might not happen. My baby boy (who isn’t such a baby anymore) might be the only one. Or, his younger brother or sister might come in a way I don’t foresee right now. Maybe the Bear’s cancer will stay in remission long enough to allow us to adopt. Maybe we will do foster parenting despite the Bear’s fears about that, maybe he will continue to stay healthy and his counts will improve and we will have a baby the free and fun way when I’m 40.
The point is, I have no way of knowing our family’s future. And I want to be okay with that. I want to let go of want and just do my best with what we have and our options right now. So I will hold Gypsy Mama’s friend’s wish in my own heart. And I will believe that we will have the children we are meant to have-however many that is. And I will wish that for you, too.